Nelson: “Order the signal.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): ” England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘ England ‘ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it…full speed ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest sir. No harness, and they said the rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral playing the disability card.”

Hard: “Actually you did sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt sea beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats, and they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then, how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate the Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King.”

Hardy: “Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It’s the rules. It could save your life.”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained sir. The rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal sir.”

Nelson: “In that case…

…kiss me Hardy.”