ieatpenguin

Nelson: “Order the signal.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): ” England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘ England ‘ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it…full speed ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest sir. No harness, and they said the rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral playing the disability card.”

Hard: “Actually you did sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt sea beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats, and they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then, how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate the Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King.”

Hardy: “Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It’s the rules. It could save your life.”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained sir. The rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal sir.”

Nelson: “In that case…

…kiss me Hardy.”

The Black Knight

One day, in the mists of time, a knight dressed in black approached a great castle. His trusty stead, blacky, was happily trotting along through the early morning sunshine. As the knight came to the castle, the sentries at the outer gate moved to block him. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight, who are you? And what business do you have here?’ they asked. ‘I am the Black knight, from the black lands, on my black stead, blacky, and I am here to see the king’, he replied, patting the horse gently on his neck.

‘Oh, right – then please go through’ and the sentries stood back and opened the gate to allow the knight passage. And so the knight moved on over the drawbridge, and came to the portcullis.

As the knight approached, the sentries at the outer gate moved to block him. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight, who are you? And what business do you have here?’ they asked. ‘I am the Black knight, from the black lands, on my black stead, blacky, and I am here to see the king’, he replied, and so the sentries back off and opened the gate allowing him passage.

The knight proceeds on through the castle grounds, nodding at peasants here and there as he passes, all the while approaching the main castle. As he comes to the main door, the sentries moved to block him. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight, who are you? And what business do you have here?’ they asked. ‘I am the Black knight, from the black lands, on my black stead, blacky, and I am here to see the king’, he replied, patting the horse gently on his neck again.

‘Very well, but you will have to dismount and disarm here, good sir knight.’ The black knight did so, and was allowed entrance. Going up some stairs, he came to the throne room where two sentries at the door moved to block him. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight, who are you? And what business do you have here?’ they asked. ‘I am the Black knight, from the black lands, and my black stead, rusty, is outside. I am here to see the king’, he replied. The sentries moved aside and waved him inside.

As the knight approached the king, some soldiers moved to block him. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight, who are you? And what business do you have here?’ they asked. ‘I am the Black knight, from the black lands, and I am here to see the king’, he replied. ‘Very well, they said, but you should shine your armour first.’ So they called for a paige who came and polished the knights armour until it gleamed. The knight approached the king.

‘Good sir knight, who are you and why are you here?’ asked the king. ‘Good Sire, I am the black knight of the black lands. And I come to seek a quest.’ The king mused for a while, and then said ‘Ah yes! I do have something for you. 100 miles north is a cave with a great red dragon. Slay this dragon for me and I shall give you untold riches!’ The knight bowed, and left.

Riding north on his trusty black stead, blacky, the black knight quickly reached the cavern. Dismounting and leaving blacky by a watering hole, the knight crept into the cavern. There, at the end of a vast space sat a huge red dragon on a horde of treasure. Noticing the knight, the dragon started. ‘WHO DARES DISTURB ME? THE RED DRAGON!’ The knight approached slowly, ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands. And I am here to slay you for the great king’. And so battle ensued. After a long and bloody fight, the dragon was defeated. The black knight took its severed head as proof and returned to the castle.

As he approached the outer gate, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the red dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As he approached the portcullis, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the red dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. The portcullis was raised, and the knight moved through.

And so the knight moved on through the castle, past the peasants and peons, and eventually came to the castle. The sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the red dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight dismounted and entered the castle.

Approaching the throne room, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and my trusty stead, blacky, is outside. I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood.’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As the knight moved towards the king, his personal soldiers moved to block the way. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. You must have your armour shined before approaching the king!’ And so the paige was called for, and he cleaned and buffed the knights armour to a shine.

The knight finally approached the king, who bid him bow before him. ‘Sire, I bring to you the head of the red dragon’. The king clapped in glee, and then decreed that, as he promised, untold riches would be bestowed on the black knight. And everyone rejoiced. Before the black knight turned to leave though, the king coughed, ‘Good sir knight, wouldst thou be interested in a new quest? 100 Miles east, there is a blue dragon. Bring me his head, and you may marry my daughter, the princess royal!’ The knight looked across at the beautiful princess and bowed at the king. ‘I will return with the head of the blue dragon!’ and so he turned and left.

Riding east on his trusty black stead, blacky, the black knight quickly reached the cavern. Dismounting and leaving blacky by a watering hole, the knight crept into the cavern. There, at the end of a vast space sat a huge blue dragon on a horde of treasure. Noticing the knight, the dragon started. ‘WHO DARES DISTURB ME? THE BLUE DRAGON!’ The knight approached slowly, ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands. And I am here to slay you for the great king’. And so battle ensued. After a long and bloody fight, the dragon was defeated. The black knight took its severed head as proof and returned to the castle.

As he approached the outer gate, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the blue dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the blue dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As he approached the portcullis, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the blue dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the blue dragon and am covered in his blood.’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. The portcullis was raised, and the knight moved through.

TBC..

Continued..

And so the knight moved on through the castle, past the peasants and peons, and eventually came to the castle. The sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the blue dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the blue dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight dismounted and entered the castle.

Approaching the throne room, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and my trusty stead, blacky, is outside. I bring the head of the blue dragon and am covered in his blood.’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As the knight moved towards the king, his personal soldiers moved to block the way. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and I bring the head of the blue dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. You must have your armour shined before approaching the king!’ And so the paige was called for, and he cleaned and buffed the knights armour to a shine.

The knight finally approached the king, who bid him bow before him. ‘Sire, I bring to you the head of the blue dragon’. The king clapped in glee, and then decreed that, as he promised, that his eldest daughter the princess royal was now betrothed to the black knight. And everyone rejoiced. Before the black knight turned to leave though, the king coughed, ‘Good sir knight, wouldst thou be interested in a new quest? 100 Miles south, there is a green dragon. Bring me his head, and I will give you a castle!’ The knight looked and bowed at the king. ‘I will return with the head of the green dragon!’ and so he turned and left.

Riding south on his trusty black stead, blacky, the black knight quickly reached the cavern. Dismounting and leaving blacky by a watering hole, the knight crept into the cavern. There, at the end of a vast space sat a huge green dragon on a horde of treasure. Noticing the knight, the dragon started. ‘WHO DARES DISTURB ME? THE GREEN DRAGON!’ The knight approached slowly, ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands. And I am here to slay you for the great king’. And so battle ensued. After a long and bloody fight, the dragon was defeated. The black knight took its severed head as proof and returned to the castle.

As he approached the outer gate, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the green dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the green dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As he approached the portcullis, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the green dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. The portcullis was raised, and the knight moved through.

Cont..

Continued..

And so the knight moved on through the castle, past the peasants and peons, and eventually came to the castle. The sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the green dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight dismounted and entered the castle.

Approaching the throne room, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and my trusty stead, blacky, is outside. I bring the head of the green dragon and am covered in his blood.’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As the knight moved towards the king, his personal soldiers moved to block the way. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and I bring the head of the green dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. You must have your armour shined before approaching the king!’ And so the paige was called for, and he cleaned and buffed the knights armour to a shine.

The knight finally approached the king, who bid him bow before him. ‘Sire, I bring to you the head of the green dragon’. The king clapped in glee, and then decreed that, as he promised, a castle would be given to the black knight. And everyone rejoiced. Before the black knight turned to leave though, the king coughed, ‘Good sir knight, wouldst thou be interested in a new quest? 100 Miles west, there is a golden dragon. Bring me his head, and you may have anything you wish for!’ The knight looked and bowed at the king. ‘I will return with the head of the golden dragon!’ and so he turned and left.

Riding west on his trusty black stead, blacky, the black knight quickly reached the cavern. Dismounting and leaving blacky by a watering hole, the knight crept into the cavern. There, at the end of a vast space sat a huge golden dragon on a horde of treasure. Noticing the knight, the dragon started. ‘WHO DARES DISTURB ME? THE GOLDEN DRAGON!’ The knight approached slowly, ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands. And I am here to slay you for the great king’. And so battle ensued. After a long and bloody fight, the dragon was defeated. The black knight took its severed head as proof and returned to the castle.

As he approached the outer gate, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the golden dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the golden dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As he approached the portcullis, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the golden dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the golden dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. The portcullis was raised, and the knight moved through.

And so the knight moved on through the castle, past the peasants and peons, and eventually came to the castle. The sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the golden dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the golden dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight dismounted and entered the castle.

Approaching the throne room, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and my trusty stead, blacky, is outside. I bring the head of the golden dragon and am covered in his blood.’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As the knight moved towards the king, his personal soldiers moved to block the way. ‘Oh no’ said one..

……’not that bloody knight again!’

A duck walks into a pub and waddles up to the bar. “A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep”. The barman is obviously quite surprised by this, but being so shocked serves a pint of the local tipple and a sandwich. The duck eats, pays up leaving a big tip and leaves.

The following day, the duck walks into the pub again, and waddles up to the bar. “A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep”. The barman is again shocked, and without thinking serves him a pint of local ale and a sandwich which the duck greedily consumes. Again after leaving a big tip, the duck leaves.

The next day, the same duck walks into the pub, and waddles up to the bar. “A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep”. The barman looks at him shrewdly, and serves him. As the duck is leaving, the barman says to him “can I ask you a question?” “Sure, go ahead” replies the duck.

“I’m not complaining, because you’re a good customer, but whats the story? Every day you come in here and, with your quaint but antiquated language order a pint and sandwich, leave too big a tip, and then leave without saying a word.” The duck nods slowly, and steps a bit close to the barman. “Well, you see, I’m working on the building site opposite, on a two week contract. So infact, if you can serve me a different local ale every day and one of your fine sandwiches, I’ll be sure to carry on tipping as I do and make no fuss.” The barman obviously agrees, and so this continues for the rest of the fortnight.

On the final day of his contract, the barman has his ale and sandwich ready, and as the duck comes to the bar to collect them he leans over excitedly. “I’ve a friend in the circus, I know your job is coming to an end and I think you’d be great for him!”

The duck raises an eyebrow. “The circus?”

The barman nods enthusiastically, “Yeah the one down the road.”

The duck looks at him. “The circus, down the road?”

The barman nods, smiling. “Yeah, the circus, down the road, past the post office.”

The duck looks at him, a bit more seriously. “The circus, down the road, past the post office.”

The barman smiles, “Yeah, the circus, down the road, past the post office. In the farmers field.”

The duck looks confused. “The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field?”

The barman, still genial, replies “Yep. The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind the big grey fence.”

The duck stares back at the barman, blankly. “The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind a big grey fence?”

The barman is beginnging to lose his good nature now. “Yes. The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, it’s behind a big grey fence. The huge red and white tent, you can’t miss it.”

The duck looks at the barman as if he’s stupid. “The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind a big grey fence, in a huge red and white tent I can’t miss?”

The barman is beginning to be a little exasperated now. “Yes. Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole in the middle of the tent.”

The duck is now completely lost. Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole in the middle of the tent?”

The barman has gone red and shouts, “GAH! Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole. Guy ropes EVERYWHERE.”

The duck scratches his beak and slowly replies, “What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?”

Dave is a hedge fund manager, and has decided he’s sick of his job. And so he decides to take six months out of the rat race and head out to Africa for a tour of the game parks. He has the time of his life, seeing lions, giraffes, and doing some big game hunting. He is a member of the local gun club back home in Minnesota, where he’s always been a crack shot and won several tournaments. The biggest thing he’s ever shot though is a deer, so he’s excited about hunting wild game.

One day, as he’s tracking a Bison he hears a strange, strangled trumpeting noise from behind a wild thicket. His interest piqued, he decides to investigate, and so leaves the trail – despite being advised not too. The noise gets louder and more panicked the closer he gets, when suddenly he steps into a clearing in the the thicket and sees a large elephant with it’s leg caught in a trap.

The elephant is obviously in a lot of pain, and it’s simply screaming and trumpeting whilst stamping its free legs. Dave can’t bear to see an animal in pain like this, and so despite his sense of self preservation decides he’s going to help. He approaches the elephant very, very slowly from the front. All the while the elephant is screaming in pain, and staring at the approaching human with anger. Closer and closer gets Dave, and then he gingerly put his hand on the elephants trapped leg. The elephant immediately quietens down, and lowers his eye to meet Daves’. Dave doesn’t move for what feels like a day, and then slowly begins to open the trap. The elephant screams in pain again, but slowly begins to understand what Dave is doing, and so allows the tiny human to continue. An hour later, and the elephants leg is free, Dave proceeds, again agonisingly slowly, to bandage the leg. The elephant screams in pain again, but is happy this time to let Dave work his first aid magic.

Finally Dave is finished. He pats the elephant on the leg, and doesn’t move as the elephant lets out a huge trumpeting roar, and then goes deathly quiet whilst staring at Dave. Finally the elephant turns and trots off into the savannah. Dave is still petrified, but glad he helped the animal.

Fifteen years later, and Dave has married a lovely woman, and had a son; Dave Jr. One day Dave Jr asks his dad if they can go to the zoo, and so Dave agrees – he’s always been fond of animals after all. And so off they go. They visit the Pandas, the penguins, and as they’re going through the monkey enclosure, Dave hears a familiar trumpeting. Suddenly, a wave of emotion and memories flood over him, it surely can’t be? He decides that he has to find out.

So he picks his son up and runs over to the elephant cage, where he sees a familiar elephant, and sure enough it has a scar on one of its legs. Overcome with tears Dave looks around, and seeing no guards decides to climb the fence and go and stroke the elephant. After all, they *always* remember. And so he scales the fence, and stands absolutely still. The elephant notices him and begins to trumpet even louder, and approaches him, slowly. Dave also starts to move, approaching the elephant slowly and warily, the memory of the savannah overwhelming him. The elephant stops dead in front of him, and lowers his eye to meet Daves’. Dave reaches out his hand to pat the elephant.

And suddenly the elephant reaches out with his trunk and grabs Dave. It then proceeds to crush him, with Dave letting out a blood-curdling scream. And, using the incredibly strong muscles in his trunk smashes him against the fence, and into a concrete pillar, smashing his skull and killing him instantly in front of his son and the crowd of onlookers.

Turns out it wasn’t the same elephant after all.

King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings, chatting with them a bit, trying to raise their morale, that sort of thing.

He went to the swordsmen first, choosing a soldier at random from amongst the ranks. “Do you feel ready for the battle tomorrow?” he asked.

“Oh yes, sire,” the swordsman responded eagerly.

“Handy with that thing are you?” Harold asked, indicating the man’s sword.

“Reasonably so, sire,” the man replied. “Watch.” He bent down, picked up a handful of grass, flung it in the air, and waved his sword about. When the grass fell down again, it had been cut into a neat line of soldier figures.

“Good work, man,” said Harold, impressed, “and good luck in the battle.”

“Thank you, sire,” said the soldier.

King Harold proceeded to inspect the pikemen. “Are you looking forward to the battle?” he asked one of their number.

“Yes, sire,” the man replied.

“Good with your pike, are you?” the King asked.

“Not bad,” the pikeman said. “See that flock of birds?” Harold nodded, and the pike flashed in the soldiers hand. It went sailing through the air, right through the centre of the flock, and when it came down five birds were skewered on it.

“Well done,” said Harold, “and good luck in the battle tomorrow.”

He then went to the archers, who stood proudly with their longbows, looking intimidating even to someone on their side. “Are you ready for tomorrow’s battle?” King Harold asked one bowman.

The man squinted at him a bit, then said, “Good Lord, it’s the King! Um, yes I’m ready.”

“What can you do with that bow, then?” Harold asked him.

“What? Oh, this thing? I dunno. Someone gave me it yesterday and told me to stay with these people here.”

“Well… do you see that barn over there, about twenty yards away?”

The archer peered in the direction of Harold’s pointing finger. “Oh yes, I see it,” he said at last.

“Do you think you could hit that?”

“I think so.” He lined himself up with the barn, grunting with the effort of drawing the bow, and loosed the arrow. It sailed past the barn, five feet too high and ten feet to the left.

“Did I hit it?” he asked.

“Er, yes,” said Harold, clapping him on the back. “Well done, and good luck.”

Then the King turned to the captain of archery and said in an undertone, “Watch out for that man tomorrow, will you? He’ll have somebody’s eye out with that thing.”