Continued..

And so the knight moved on through the castle, past the peasants and peons, and eventually came to the castle. The sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the blue dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the blue dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight dismounted and entered the castle.

Approaching the throne room, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and my trusty stead, blacky, is outside. I bring the head of the blue dragon and am covered in his blood.’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As the knight moved towards the king, his personal soldiers moved to block the way. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and I bring the head of the blue dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. You must have your armour shined before approaching the king!’ And so the paige was called for, and he cleaned and buffed the knights armour to a shine.

The knight finally approached the king, who bid him bow before him. ‘Sire, I bring to you the head of the blue dragon’. The king clapped in glee, and then decreed that, as he promised, that his eldest daughter the princess royal was now betrothed to the black knight. And everyone rejoiced. Before the black knight turned to leave though, the king coughed, ‘Good sir knight, wouldst thou be interested in a new quest? 100 Miles south, there is a green dragon. Bring me his head, and I will give you a castle!’ The knight looked and bowed at the king. ‘I will return with the head of the green dragon!’ and so he turned and left.

Riding south on his trusty black stead, blacky, the black knight quickly reached the cavern. Dismounting and leaving blacky by a watering hole, the knight crept into the cavern. There, at the end of a vast space sat a huge green dragon on a horde of treasure. Noticing the knight, the dragon started. ‘WHO DARES DISTURB ME? THE GREEN DRAGON!’ The knight approached slowly, ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands. And I am here to slay you for the great king’. And so battle ensued. After a long and bloody fight, the dragon was defeated. The black knight took its severed head as proof and returned to the castle.

As he approached the outer gate, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the green dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the green dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As he approached the portcullis, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the green dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. The portcullis was raised, and the knight moved through.

Cont..

Continued..

And so the knight moved on through the castle, past the peasants and peons, and eventually came to the castle. The sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the green dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the red dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight dismounted and entered the castle.

Approaching the throne room, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and my trusty stead, blacky, is outside. I bring the head of the green dragon and am covered in his blood.’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As the knight moved towards the king, his personal soldiers moved to block the way. ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and I bring the head of the green dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. You must have your armour shined before approaching the king!’ And so the paige was called for, and he cleaned and buffed the knights armour to a shine.

The knight finally approached the king, who bid him bow before him. ‘Sire, I bring to you the head of the green dragon’. The king clapped in glee, and then decreed that, as he promised, a castle would be given to the black knight. And everyone rejoiced. Before the black knight turned to leave though, the king coughed, ‘Good sir knight, wouldst thou be interested in a new quest? 100 Miles west, there is a golden dragon. Bring me his head, and you may have anything you wish for!’ The knight looked and bowed at the king. ‘I will return with the head of the golden dragon!’ and so he turned and left.

Riding west on his trusty black stead, blacky, the black knight quickly reached the cavern. Dismounting and leaving blacky by a watering hole, the knight crept into the cavern. There, at the end of a vast space sat a huge golden dragon on a horde of treasure. Noticing the knight, the dragon started. ‘WHO DARES DISTURB ME? THE GOLDEN DRAGON!’ The knight approached slowly, ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands. And I am here to slay you for the great king’. And so battle ensued. After a long and bloody fight, the dragon was defeated. The black knight took its severed head as proof and returned to the castle.

As he approached the outer gate, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the golden dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the golden dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As he approached the portcullis, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the golden dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the golden dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. The portcullis was raised, and the knight moved through.

And so the knight moved on through the castle, past the peasants and peons, and eventually came to the castle. The sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’ The knight looked surprised, but as he was covered in the blood of the golden dragon realised he might not be recognisable. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and this is my trusty stead, blacky. I bring the head of the golden dragon and am covered in his blood’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight dismounted and entered the castle.

Approaching the throne room, the sentries moved to block him, ‘Whoah there, good sir knight. Who are you and what is your business here?’. ‘I am the black knight, from the black lands, and my trusty stead, blacky, is outside. I bring the head of the golden dragon and am covered in his blood.’ The guards stared for a while, and then slowly realised. ‘Ah, we’re sorry good sir knight, we didn’t recognise you covered in blood. Please proceed’. And so the knight moved through.

As the knight moved towards the king, his personal soldiers moved to block the way. ‘Oh no’ said one..

……’not that bloody knight again!’

A duck walks into a pub and waddles up to the bar. “A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep”. The barman is obviously quite surprised by this, but being so shocked serves a pint of the local tipple and a sandwich. The duck eats, pays up leaving a big tip and leaves.

The following day, the duck walks into the pub again, and waddles up to the bar. “A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep”. The barman is again shocked, and without thinking serves him a pint of local ale and a sandwich which the duck greedily consumes. Again after leaving a big tip, the duck leaves.

The next day, the same duck walks into the pub, and waddles up to the bar. “A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep”. The barman looks at him shrewdly, and serves him. As the duck is leaving, the barman says to him “can I ask you a question?” “Sure, go ahead” replies the duck.

“I’m not complaining, because you’re a good customer, but whats the story? Every day you come in here and, with your quaint but antiquated language order a pint and sandwich, leave too big a tip, and then leave without saying a word.” The duck nods slowly, and steps a bit close to the barman. “Well, you see, I’m working on the building site opposite, on a two week contract. So infact, if you can serve me a different local ale every day and one of your fine sandwiches, I’ll be sure to carry on tipping as I do and make no fuss.” The barman obviously agrees, and so this continues for the rest of the fortnight.

On the final day of his contract, the barman has his ale and sandwich ready, and as the duck comes to the bar to collect them he leans over excitedly. “I’ve a friend in the circus, I know your job is coming to an end and I think you’d be great for him!”

The duck raises an eyebrow. “The circus?”

The barman nods enthusiastically, “Yeah the one down the road.”

The duck looks at him. “The circus, down the road?”

The barman nods, smiling. “Yeah, the circus, down the road, past the post office.”

The duck looks at him, a bit more seriously. “The circus, down the road, past the post office.”

The barman smiles, “Yeah, the circus, down the road, past the post office. In the farmers field.”

The duck looks confused. “The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field?”

The barman, still genial, replies “Yep. The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind the big grey fence.”

The duck stares back at the barman, blankly. “The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind a big grey fence?”

The barman is beginnging to lose his good nature now. “Yes. The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, it’s behind a big grey fence. The huge red and white tent, you can’t miss it.”

The duck looks at the barman as if he’s stupid. “The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind a big grey fence, in a huge red and white tent I can’t miss?”

The barman is beginning to be a little exasperated now. “Yes. Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole in the middle of the tent.”

The duck is now completely lost. Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole in the middle of the tent?”

The barman has gone red and shouts, “GAH! Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole. Guy ropes EVERYWHERE.”

The duck scratches his beak and slowly replies, “What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?”

Dave is a hedge fund manager, and has decided he’s sick of his job. And so he decides to take six months out of the rat race and head out to Africa for a tour of the game parks. He has the time of his life, seeing lions, giraffes, and doing some big game hunting. He is a member of the local gun club back home in Minnesota, where he’s always been a crack shot and won several tournaments. The biggest thing he’s ever shot though is a deer, so he’s excited about hunting wild game.

One day, as he’s tracking a Bison he hears a strange, strangled trumpeting noise from behind a wild thicket. His interest piqued, he decides to investigate, and so leaves the trail – despite being advised not too. The noise gets louder and more panicked the closer he gets, when suddenly he steps into a clearing in the the thicket and sees a large elephant with it’s leg caught in a trap.

The elephant is obviously in a lot of pain, and it’s screaming and trumpeting whilst stamping its free legs. Dave can’t bear to see an animal in pain like this, and so despite his sense of self preservation decides he’s going to help. He approaches the elephant very, very slowly from the front. All the while the elephant is screaming in pain, and staring at the approaching human with anger. Closer and closer gets Dave, and then he gingerly put his hand on the elephants trapped leg. The elephant immediately quietens down, and lowers his eye to meet Daves’. Dave doesn’t move for what feels like a day, and then slowly begins to open the trap. The elephant screams in pain again, but slowly begins to understand what Dave is doing, and so allows the tiny human to continue. An hour later, and the elephants leg is free, Dave proceeds, again agonisingly slowly, to bandage the leg. The elephant screams in pain again, but is happy this time to let Dave work his first aid magic.

Finally Dave is finished. He pats the elephant on the leg, and doesn’t move as the elephant lets out a huge trumpeting roar, and then goes deathly quiet whilst staring eye to eye at Dave. Finally the elephant turns and trots off into the savannah. Dave is still petrified, but glad he helped the animal.

Fifteen years later, and Dave has married a lovely woman, and had a son; Dave Jr. One day Dave Jr asks his dad if they can go to the zoo, and so Dave agrees – he’s always been fond of animals after all (mostly shooting them..). And so off they go. They visit the Pandas, the penguins, and as they’re going through the monkey enclosure, Dave hears a familiar trumpeting. Suddenly, a wave of emotion and memories flood over him, it surely can’t be? He decides that he has to find out.

So he picks his son up and runs over to the elephant cage, where he sees a familiar elephant, and sure enough it has a scar on one of its legs. Overcome with tears Dave looks around, and seeing no guards decides to climb the fence and go and stroke the elephant. After all, they *always* remember. And so he scales the fence, and stands absolutely still. The elephant notices him and begins to trumpet even louder, and approaches him, slowly. Dave also starts to move, approaching the elephant slowly and warily, the memory of the savannah overwhelming him. The elephant stops dead in front of him, and lowers his eye to meet Daves’. Dave reaches out his hand to pat the elephant.

Suddenly the elephant reaches out with his trunk and grabs Dave. It then proceeds to crush him, with Dave letting out a blood-curdling scream. And, using the incredibly strong muscles in his trunk smashes him against the fence, and into a concrete pillar, smashing his skull and killing him instantly in front of his son and the crowd of onlookers.

Turns out it wasn’t the same elephant after all.

King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings, chatting with them a bit, trying to raise their morale, that sort of thing.

He went to the swordsmen first, choosing a soldier at random from amongst the ranks. “Do you feel ready for the battle tomorrow?” he asked.

“Oh yes, sire,” the swordsman responded eagerly.

“Handy with that thing are you?” Harold asked, indicating the man’s sword.

“Reasonably so, sire,” the man replied. “Watch.” He bent down, picked up a handful of grass, flung it in the air, and waved his sword about. When the grass fell down again, it had been cut into a neat line of soldier figures.

“Good work, man,” said Harold, impressed, “and good luck in the battle.”

“Thank you, sire,” said the soldier.

King Harold proceeded to inspect the pikemen. “Are you looking forward to the battle?” he asked one of their number.

“Yes, sire,” the man replied.

“Good with your pike, are you?” the King asked.

“Not bad,” the pikeman said. “See that flock of birds?” Harold nodded, and the pike flashed in the soldiers hand. It went sailing through the air, right through the centre of the flock, and when it came down five birds were skewered on it.

“Well done,” said Harold, “and good luck in the battle tomorrow.”

He then went to the archers, who stood proudly with their longbows, looking intimidating even to someone on their side. “Are you ready for tomorrow’s battle?” King Harold asked one bowman.

The man squinted at him a bit, then said, “Good Lord, it’s the King! Um, yes I’m ready.”

“What can you do with that bow, then?” Harold asked him.

“What? Oh, this thing? I dunno. Someone gave me it yesterday and told me to stay with these people here.”

“Well… do you see that barn over there, about twenty yards away?”

The archer peered in the direction of Harold’s pointing finger. “Oh yes, I see it,” he said at last.

“Do you think you could hit that?”

“I think so.” He lined himself up with the barn, grunting with the effort of drawing the bow, and loosed the arrow. It sailed past the barn, five feet too high and ten feet to the left.

“Did I hit it?” he asked.

“Er, yes,” said Harold, clapping him on the back. “Well done, and good luck.”

Then the King turned to the captain of archery and said in an undertone, “Watch out for that man tomorrow, will you? He’ll have somebody’s eye out with that thing.”